In Defense of the 1%

Yes folks, after much consideration and analysis of the situation I have decided that I am wrong about the 1% and especially the 0.001% who own the large banking conglomerations.  First of all I would not be a doctor today without them after all it was their large banking conglomerates (in this case Bank of America) that were able to loan me the extra money I needed to complete both undergrad and medical school.  After all it would be ridiculous to expect that the government or anyone else give or loan me the money to go to school.  That would be socialism.  No hand outs needed here as it is my place as someone from the underclass to support the banking elite.  In fact I am now part of the 0.00001% that have been allowed to really rack up a massive debt making me one of the poorest people I know.  I completely take the blame for this, for when my soul was entering my body I did not choose a wealthy set of parents which would have facilitated easier financing of medical school and thus helping me become a better contributor to society.

After much sleepless nights, I am ashamed to say I am a terrible contributor to society.  I am much more of a job killer than Romney!  As I survey the possessions in my house I realize that I don't even have a TV.  I worry about this at night, that some night federal agents will break down the door to my apartment and arrest me for such an un-American activity of not owning a TV.  To mitigate this internal terror, I watch the Stephen Colbert show on Comedy central's website and avoid getting my news from Al-Jazeera despite Hillary Clinton's assertation that it is "real news". (I think it is a set up!)  And I definitely avoid the program "Democracy Now" with Amy Goodman!  It should have been called "Commie-Socialism Now" with Amy Goodman.  However, my biggest beef (nice American word) with these two media outlets is that they do not enrich my favorite media moguls or their banking buddies.  Thank God Comcast has put its foot down and refuses to give Al-Jazeera a channel in the U.S.  And what about Rupert Murdock, Ted Turner, Sumner Redstone, who have much to loose with these media outlets that don't make revenue with advertisements?

Without Advertising how will you strip away my self worth and sexuality and then sell it back to me?  I won't know which pill to cajole my doctor to give me to make me happier.  I won't know which penis-pill will resurrect me after years of internet porn.  I won't know which car to buy when I have my midlife crisis.  Advertising helps us all as it gives us reasons to purchase all kinds of things that we don't really need and thus creates massive amounts of jobs.  For the Chinese.  But that's ok since it is still the big banking conglomerates and stock market folk that benefit.

Shit!  A car.  I don't have a car.  I did have one, but it doesn't count.  I bought it used with cash and so I never benefited the banks or auto industry with my purchase.  Besides it was one of those fuel efficient Japanese models that rarely breaks down.  Talk about a job killer!  I think the best car to buy would be a Chevy Volt.  American made, sort of enviro, but still burns gas, is expensive (so I can take out a loan from my fav bank), and uses electricity so I can support my local coal plant, nuclear plant, and hydroelectric dam.  It is an equal opportunity employer for the entire energy sector!  I will definitely not be taking the large tax break from purchasing this car because I believe in a free market with no government intervention or hand outs.

Supporting the banking elite has been a long tradition in my family and a tradition that I intend to keep.  You see, four generations ago we were slaves in Barbados growing sugar to make the bankers and investors in England rich.  Man did they love the sugar in their tea!  Loved it so much they went to great length to get it!  Finance a big boat, sail to another continent, buy a bunch of people, put them back on boat, sail to another continent half way around the world, make them grow sugar cane, then haul it back.  Like it was cocaine!  Thank God we have Federal Express now!  Alas, I am glad this all happened because I loved watching Prince Williams wedding.  How I fantasized that it was me standing across from Princess Kate!  How else would the royal family make enough money to throw such a lavish wedding for Prince William generations later without working were it not for the broken backs of my family and fellow plantation family?  (The wedding which, by the way, generated tremendous TV ratings and advertisement revenue!)

The bankers deserve our undying support.  For who else could dream up such a system where you can loan money out in a 9 to 1 ratio and make the people pay you back with real money.  Where 9 of  the 10 dollars you created out of thin air!  Brilliant!  I would like to contact the Nobel committee and nominate the Bilderbergs, Rothschilds, and Chases for the 2012 Nobel Prize in Economics!  (They will likely be disappointed in the return as the prize is only worth $1.46 million and they will have to split it 3 ways.  Maybe the Nobel Committee can make an exception in this case and give them each $1.46 million)

I don't approve of welfare, the government should have given my mother a loan.  If she could not pay it back after going to nursing school with 4 kids, then her kids should have to pay it back.  I am happy to say that the 1/4 of the welfare I owe will likely get paid in its entirety with interest this 2011 tax season.  Thus avenging my share of the welfare debt my family owes this country!  Now for my slacker sisters, they will have to continue working their 2-3 jobs to get by.  But that is what they get for not being "job creators".

My biggest defense of the 1% is that they can't help it.  The rest of us get our dopamine fix from mundane things like eating, sex, lottery tickets, and trying something new.  They get their dopamine fix off Power.  Now how are you supposed to wean someone off of Power?  Clearly it is not money giving them the dopamine hit as they have all of it and can buy anything they want.  This is a truely dangerous situation.  If you can't get life motivating dopamine from money and buying new things, than all you are left with is Power.  I feel bad for them.  After the withdrawal kicks in from buying yet another Bentley, and there is nothing left to buy, and no more money to consolidate, no more corporations to take over.... then all there is left is to consolidate Power.  Furthermore, their is no treatment center for them.  We have every other kind of addiction center, but no Power Anonymous! 

The worst thing about being a 1%er.... You have problems money can't solve!  The least the government should do is to help these large corporate owners mitigate some of these problems.  Like pesky protesters.  So you see, only Corporations should get welfare form the government as it is them who are creating all our jobs through their illness!  Without these jobs we would have not tax base.  And their illness has no treatment!  No one has ever done a research study for them to see how to mitigate the hole in the soul that allows one to do just about anything to get Power. 

So until we come up with a viable treatment plan for the 1%, we should all just shut up, shop, and pay our taxes.  For we are blessed with problems that money would solve.