Trumpitis: an inflammatory condition as a response to the U.S election.

There is a new scourge sweeping the land and no is not swine flu, bird flu, or Zika virus or what ever new thing we are to fear and get vaccinated against... It is Trumpitis. However, a review of the records shows that Trumpitis has been mildly reported in the US since Oct 7, 1885.    As a doctor my first main observation of Trumpitis is that it is "good for business".   No I am not talking about the business book by the same title. He is quite the opposite from a conscious corporation. My first case of Trumpitis was seen on Nov 9.  Since then business has been booming.  My schedule is rapidly filling up.  So much so that I am worried about moving a tax bracket.   However, my worries are in vain as President elect Trump will be changing the tax code so I don't get the dreaded taxitis that plagues so many doctors.  More on that one in mid April.

Trumpitis is marked by several signs and symptoms.  The first of which is a disbelief in the US elections results, followed by mild nausea and heartburn.  Over the next few days a generalized anxiety kicks in accompanied by frantic reading of the news and scouring Facebook posts.  Next comes epigastric pain and alternating diarrhea and constipation from not being able to stomach the news.  Then comes avoiding the news.  Many with then fill out numerous Credo and petitions hoping that the Electoral College will assuage the election inflammation.  Hopefully the Russians have not hacked them yet.   Some may binge read "1984", "Brave New World", and the book of "Revelation".  Others will fret over where to put their investments in this unpredictable market that after a brief dip, has raised the DOW into record levels.  Many have alternative definitions of Trumpitis, however the only one I think is accurate is "The disease whose symptoms are constipation of the brain with simultaneous diarrhea of the mouth." 

Even Trump's own doctor came down with a bad case of Trumpitis, his case was characterized by an overly inflated positive view of the President elect's health.  I mean what doctor ever had the audacity to state "If elected, Mr Trump, I can state unequivocally, will be the healthiest individual ever elected to the Presidency"  Definitely, a case of late stage Trumpitis, which is frequently marked by an over use of adjectives that do not really match the reality of what is being described.  The final stages involve the complete assimilation of Trumps look and persona, at least Alec Baldwin has figured out how to cash in on his very late stage Trumpitis.

By now you lowly readers must be fearing the dreaded Trumpitis.  Surely someone is working on a vaccine?   For now here is a comprehensive review of the available treatments.  Some have treated cases of Trumpitis with the homeopathic remedy Fluoric Acidum.  For those of us who don't believe in that wu-woo shit, maybe some herbs?  The most popular herb for those suffering from Trumpitis is none other than Herb, you know Ganja, Miss Mary Jane, Cannabis, Marijuana.  Many states have recently legalized it in anticipation of the epidemic that is expected to hit at least 54% of the US population this year.   Will Trump's Attorney General Jeff Sessions go after the very thing that is giving so many relief from Trumpitis?  Time will tell.

Let's not count out Big Pharma though, they are expected to win big with a Trump candidacy as well as in their lucrative treatment for Trumpitis.  While there is no direct drug for Trumpitis, the following blockbuster drugs will insure your symptoms are abated and you stock portfolio is steadily gaining.   You will need Ablify for your depression and psychosis, Nexium for your acid reflux, Oxycontin for your pain, Suboxone to get off the Oxycontin, Xanax for the anxiety, and a combination of Advair, Ventolin, and Spireva for the inability to breathe due to increasing amounts of carbon in the atmosphere.

Speaking of Carbon, one way to counter Trumpitis is to completely boycott and divest from Fossil Fuels.  Be sure to look at your mutual funds, indexed funds, and stock holdings to be sure you are not funding the past, the future planet depends on it.   This carbon bubble will pop, and when it does you will be happy that your retirement is held in businesses, mutual funds, and stocks that clean water, provide solar power, cars that run on the sun and have no emissions, and generally make the planet a better place.

If after all this, you are still suffering from Trumpitis, come into the office and we will smudge you off with some sage, say a prayer for the planet together, and exorcise this orange devil from your body and the land.  In other words, hope and pray that Elizabeth Warren saves us.