Wrecking the Body of the World.

Last night I finished reading Eve Ensler's "In the Body of the World" 

If you don't know who Eve Ensler is you should.  Go ahead and google her.  She has done much on her short time on Earth.  Puts the rest of us to shame.  Her shame led her to do amazing things.  Most of us who have been shamed by sexual abuse sometimes respond by over caring and overworking.  As if our existence on the planet can only be justified by doing amazing things to correct the ills of the planet.  I really resonated with this.  Her book was hard to read.  Raw and horrifying.  As someone who works with cancer patients, I could really feel her anguish about what was happening to her body.  Equally intriguing is her linking her getting uterine cancer to working with women who have been sexually assaulted aka Raped.  Was it linked to her rape by her father?

Equally harrowing, she links the rape of women to the rape of the planet.  I too believe that they are no different and are born of the same consciousness.  When we destroy the planet we destroy our future.  When we rape a woman, we destroy her capacity to bring forth the future generations.  We are cancer.  You and me.  The resources required for us to live our entitled lives requires the destruction of the Earth.  We are the Cancer.  We are Rapists.  We create the conditions for cancer to arise when we live in this way.

Indigenous cultures have always held that the Earth is our "mother".  After all it is her "body" that gives rise to the material substance of our bodies.  Ashes to Ashes, dust to dust.  We are born of and return to the Earth.

We need healthy women to have healthy children to have a better future.  We also need a healthy Earth for that reality to occur.  Life is short in the grand scheme of things.  You can spend your life doing something small like accumulating resources to maintain the illusion of a comfortable life.  Or we can build something bigger than ourselves.  Something lasting, something for everyone. Lets build it together the time is now.

Shame on me, shame in me...

Facing the shame in our life is never easy.  I seem to have tons of it.  Apparently my perfectionist tendencies are a way of avoiding it.  Things have gotten so I can no longer avoid it.  Recently a friend pointed out how much anger I have inside me. Watching a talk in response to the Stubenville rape got me thinking and examining my own shame.  http://www.vday.org/livestream

Shame for men seems to surround their masculinity.  If you are not "a man"  then you will be filled with the sense of shame.  I have always had a particular apathy towards the things that make one a man.  Maybe this comes from growing up in a home where it was women that were defining me as a man, rather than having a man define me as a man.  Or a culture that has always defined manhood to me with a negative connotation.  Fortunately, I have wound my way around into manhood defined by myself and secure in myself.  Or so I thought.  This has not been without consequences.

Dr. Brene Brown has a TED talk on shame that is very enlightening.  http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html  I like how she separates shame and guilt.  When you say "I am sorry I made a mistake" you are experiencing guilt.  When you say "I am sorry I am a mistake" you are experiencing shame.  My hair stood on end, this is me. 

Both talks talk about how shame thrives in silence and secrecy.  So here is my attempt to end my silence and secrecy to quell my own inner shame... Here goes...

Oh shit, this is hard...   (a little, but loud voice in my head says I will never get laid again if I keep writing...)

I am ashamed for having the mother of my child leave me when our child was only 9 months old.   My unspoken inner world told the story that I must really be a monster for this to happen.  Statistically women will typically wait till the child is 4 before leaving the father.  I knew this even then, and spent many nights berating myself over it.  I think unconsciously I still do. I felt really alienated, the females in my life left and "tended and befriended" my child's mother; the males in my life knew nothing of how to be with an infant and stopped calling to hang out.  But mostly, my intense sense of shame kept me from reaching out to my friends.  I have felt very alone in fatherhood for the past 4 years.

I am ashamed for wanting at times to leave my child to chase women, money, and success.  I have stayed with my child and have still gotten two of the three... I will let you decide which 2! 

I am ashamed for being in debt.  I think this ties into my ancestral past in slavery.  I still am in shackles, they are just in my mind rather than around my ankles.  Despite my success in work, my debt is such that it is unlikely that I will be able to pay it off.  I can make my payments, but this is different than paying it off.  Still feels like indentured servitude, only no one is beating me.  This debt also shames me in terms of not being a "good provider".  Despite the liberation of women into the joys and sorrows of working life, of not needing a man, I still feel intense pressure to "be a good provider".  I feel a great sense of shame that I am not.

Because I have not felt like much of a provider (and therefore not a man), I have a constant feeling of not being enough for all the women in my life.  I think my shame of this kept me from ever really showing up in my relationships.  (Surely, with the sheer number of women I have dated, the problem must be me.)  For a long time, I tried to blame women... Women this, women that... I am sure many of you have heard things along those lines come out of my mouth.  For this I am sorry. 

In Dr. Brene Brown's talk on shame (around min 17:00), she relates a story about a man talking about being vulnerable he said  the women in his life  "would rather me die on top of my white horse than watch me fall down... When we reach out and be vulnerable we get the shit beat out of us... and don't tell me it is from the guys, the coaches and the dads, because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."  This rings true for me as well.

It sucks to not be enough.  The constant criticism from the women in my life and my lack of a thick skin, has led me to always feel like I am not enough.  Couple this with not being a provider with resources or power and you have a broken individual and a shell of a man.  This leads to a worthlessness that sucks the life out of relationships and friendships.  And for some, it sucks the life out of them.  Rather than getting addicted to a substance to soothe my seething soul, I got addicted to perfection.  If I am perfect enough I will be loved and cared for.  I must never let someone see me rattled.  When I did those people left me.  Or at least that was the story I told myself.  (Abandonment... That will take a whole other blog!)

My inability to be comfortable in my vulnerability has robbed me of vital friendships, loving relationships, and my own authenticity.  I like how Dr. Brene Brown talks about how when you numb out from negative emotions and feelings, you can't be selective.  You also loose the positive emotions of joy and gratitude as well... http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

The irony of the whole thing is that every day I work with vulnerability and shame and am quite good at it.  Every day people take of their clothes, bearing their naked body so I may examine it for signs of disease and health.  Every day people bear their innermost secrets to me.  Every day people bear their souls deepest wishes to me.  Every day I walk others through the fear of disease and death that comes with a body.  Ironically, every day the things that would quell my angst come out of my mouth.  I am continually in awe of my patients ability to be vulnerable, honest, and authentic with me.

For my own healing, I am going to let myself be seen, love with my whole heart, find gratitude and joy, and finally be ENOUGH.  I look forward to the journey...

The Case Against Gay Marriage

There is no case against gay marriage.  Which side of history will you be on?  Take a stand.

Rape culture

India made international news in December 2012 after a gang rape of a young woman despite being accompanied by a male friend who attempted to stop the rape.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2012_Delhi_gang_rape_case (Warning, do not read if sensitive, graphic description of her injuries).  She later died 4 days later as a result of the assault.  Al Jazeera had a good program looking at how the culture in India and recent changes of having women in the workplace has increased the phenomenon of rape and "eve teasing"http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Eve_teasing in India.  http://www.aljazeera.com/programmes/101east/2012/04/201242482823627221.html  There is even now an ap for Indian women focused on reporting and protecting women.  http://ibnlive.in.com/videos/370176/fightback-app-indias-first-mobile-application-for-womens-safety.html

I was saddened to see this in the news.  Twelve years ago I traveled in India for 3 months.   During my journey I accompanied many women traveling.  Some on buses and trains.  Some just wanting to go to a movie, just like the couple who were attacked.  In many cases I was accompanying Caucasian women and eve teasers would not even realize that they were being accompanied as I blend into the background there when moving through a crowd.  I used to always tell Caucasian women that in general they were safe in India as only Indian women were raped.  There was a widespread belief that crimes against white women would be investigated and prosecuted, while crimes against Indian women would be unreported and are rarely prosecuted.  Unfortunately, things have changed in India as a Swiss woman with her husband was recently gang raped in India.  http://world.time.com/2013/03/16/swiss-tourist-gang-raped-in-central-india/

I suspect that one of the things driving the increase in sexual violence in India have to do with a complex mix of traditional views of women, especially women as property with modern pornography.  I am surprised at the age of the perpetrators, they are young men.  I don't believe that something like gang rape just happens, it has to be taught and it has to be culturally supported.  I think the Internet has become the classroom for gang rapists.  Where else would one learn something like that?  It is not even in many Western films let alone Indian ones.  When a man is sexually primed for gang raping, and then is economically disenfranchised ie too poor to get married, afford a prostitute, ect.  then he will just take.  As the stratification of wealth continues in India and less and less men can afford to marry in the traditional way, and no real concept of sex out of marriage, what will they do with their libidos?  Likely turn to the internet.  A small number of them will take what they learn there and act it out.

Our own rape culture is a bit different.  Here in America apparently it is ok to have sex with an intoxicated female.  So many bystanders and no one helping.  If she can't say no and does not say yes, then this too is rape.  In America you are far more likely to be raped by someone you know.  This is known as date rape.  A little different from gang rape or stranger rape, but just as damaging.  It is estimated to be drastically under reported for a variety of reasons including the victim not being sure she was raped because the perp was her husband/boyfriend/friend.  I have to confess that I have always been afraid that I would be accused of date rape and that being a dark skinned male would be highly likely to be vilified, prosecuted.  I think most people who know me or have dated me would find this odd, but yes it is something I fear.

Rape, false rape accusations, and sports stars go hand and hand, from Kobe http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobe_Bryant_sexual_assault_case, to Duke Lacross players http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Duke_lacrosse_case, to Seattle's Jeremy Stevens http://seattletimes.com/html/localnews/2004147460_rbstevens270.html, but now we have high school kids.  Steubenville, OH has 2 high school charged with raping a 16 year old girl.  Over 900 pictures were taken of the girl during and after the assault.  Yet no one helped her.http://www.nydailynews.com/news/crime/steubenville-investigation-video-shows-fellow-students-concerned-victim-article-1.1297103  Why is that?  How is it that teens have been acculturated to see this as a normal occurrence?  Could it be that they see it on the Internet every day?  Could it be that there are a plethora of websites showing intoxicated females in a party atmosphere having sex?

Rape is wrong, it always is no mater what the context.  GUYS:  If it is a grey area, when in doubt keep it out, it DOES NOT BELONG TO YOU.  I think greater education can be done to help educate males about what is consensual and what is not.  Both men and women contribute to rape culture.  Men by continuing to view women as property, as sex objects, and as something for their comfort and gratification.  Patricia Levy, PhD in a huffington post article explains how she thinks women contribute to rape culture.  Here is her article... http://www.huffingtonpost.com/patricia-leavy-phd/why-girls-and-women-parti_b_2909542.html?utm_hp_ref=steubenville-rape

And now a shout out to those doing something to evoke change:
Tony Porter, see his TED Talk http://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html
Eve Ensler and her One Billion Rising movement http://www.onebillionrising.org/livestream  http://www.ted.com/talks/eve_ensler_on_security.html
Morley http://onebillionrising.org/blog/entry/rise-by-morley
L Vogelman Sexual Face of Violence: Rapists on Rape  https://www.ncjrs.gov/App/Publications/abstract.aspx?ID=127046
Cindy Gallop  creator of Make love not porn  http://blog.ted.com/2009/12/02/cindy_gallop_ma/
http://www.makelovenotporn.com/ 

I think that rape culture and war culture go hand and hand.  I see little difference between the mentality behind the rape of women, the rape of the planet, and the rape of other cultures.  Behind all three lurk the need for power.  Where did all these men lose their power? 

What are you? Where are you from?

The question I get on a nearly daily basis... What are you?  Most often referring my amorphous racial appearance.  When I was little I was told to say "Indian".   Then I changed the response to "East Indian" after someone asked me "Dot or feather?"  Later I learned that since my parents were both from Guyana (South America not Africa for you geography impaired Americans) that I should answer "West Indian". 

As I grew older I began putting down "Asian" on applications as the PC term of "Multiracial" had not been coined.  Occasionally I saw "Other" on the form... What the hell is an "Other"?  But as I began learning about my family history, things got even more interesting.  Here we go...

My mother is full East Indian, but not from India.  She was born in Georgetown, Guyana from parents that were indentured laborers on sugar plantations.  There families as far as the lore goes was that they were from Calcutta and Madras, India (Now Kolcutta and Chennai as they shrug off the vestiges of Colonialism).

My father is a mix of African and Chinese, but there has always been a rumor that some Caucasian blood mixed in there, but no one seems to know from where... Two common rumors formed, one was that it was Russian blood and the other that it was something from Great Britain ie English, Irish.  There is also a third rumor that we had South American native blood as my father's family was living in Bartica, Guyana a place deep in the jungle of Guyana.

When Penelope my daughter was born she had deep blue eyes.  As the early months went by her eye color changed to three colors... blue, green, and brown.  This attracted a lot of attention from people passing by about the beauty of her eyes.  As more months passed her eyes settled into the green shade that they are now. 

My background is in molecular biology and specifically genetics... So naturally I realized that for me to have a green eyed child, I must have blue eyed genes and therefore must have Caucasian genes...

On Christmas break I sent in a DNA sample of myself to www.23andme.com for analysis and the results were very interesting...
So I am 50% South Asian (Indian) from my Mother, and the next highest category was 17.3% Caucasian!  The rest was 15.9% Sub Saharan  African, and 11.8% East Asian (Chinese).
And the kicker... The Caucasian genes match closest to Ireland and Lithuania!  Both rumors were true!  And alas, no South American Native genes...
 

So after the South Asian from my mother, the next highest category was Caucasian.  This means all those times I was called a "Coconut" (brown on the outside, white on the inside) or "Oreo" (black on the outside, white on the inside), they were right!  Stay tuned for more interesting insights...

The Presidential Debates... some things were missing.

Today was the final presidential debate where two candidates get to duke it out over two diverging views of what America is and what America could be.  Much hot air was expelled extorting differing plans on how to grow the U.S. economy.  Opposing views from other candidates are not allowed to be heard (Except on Democracy Now http://www.democracynow.org/ who allowed Third party candidates to answer the questions posed to the candidates in each of the debates).  Many talking heads are getting to exhale their well rehearsed lines that they have been awaiting all week to let loose.  Separate from all the spin, many real issues remain glanced over or completely untouched.  Let's examine some of these.

1.  Tax Code- This complicated juggernaut of esoteric rules and loopholes is unlikely to be changed with either administration.
2.  Education Crisis/Student loans-  Banks remain the winners on this one as a large segment of the American population are now indentured servants.  Neither candidate has a plan to change this debt system. 
3.  US Foreign Policy direction- Unlikely to change much in either administration.  There were some indications in the debates that an Obama administration would shrink down the size of the military.
4.  Energy policy- Mr. Romney clearly wants to drill the US.  Pres Obama would like to grow the green renewable economy.
5.  Deficit- A direct result of multiple wars with some of the lowest tax rates for the wealthy.  Romney's plan to cut entitlements will not affect the deficit much as it is not a significant part of the budget... As I understand it the military makes up half of the budget.
6.  Financial reform- Glass Stegall Act.  Was never brought up.  Clearly the banks should be regulated.  Or be allowed to fail when they screw up.  Record bonuses and bailouts under the Obama administration.
7.  Patriot Act-  Was never mentioned.  Americans can be detained without trial or charges.  In violation of the constitution (Thanks Idaho upbringing, where the constitution is pounded into us at an early age!)
8.  Citizen's United- Never mentioned.  Allows unlimited spending by corporations based on them being given personhood and therefore protection of free speech under the first amendment.  Aka the government and political process goes to the highest bidder...
9.  Iraq/Afganistan/Iran wars- much hot air about this tonight, however, not much would likely change here under either administration... The generals and main advisers on these topics do not change much with elections.  If it did we would have pulled out troops at this point per Obama's prior election promise.
10.  Poverty- Indirectly discussed via the conversation on the economy.  Neither candidate has a convincing plan to eradicate the growing poverty.  Arguably Obama may understand this topic better as he did not grow up with a silver spoon.

Ultimately, the two America's presented and represented by the two parties are at odds.  They need not be though.  I personally am tired of the partisan politics and would like to see a no party system or an every party system.  This duality serves no one but the elites at the top of each party.  A real democracy to me would have all the players at the table, including 3rd parties.  I have always voted for a third party mostly because I live in Washington state where it always goes to the Democrats.  I am a political anomaly in that I am a Liberal that is fiscally conservative. 
In the end, I do think for America to move forward and reach its full potential, be need a less divided and more unified national plan.  Given the current political climate, I do not see that happening soon.  And so the empire will continue to crumble as all divided empires do...

Lance Armstrong a fallen hero...

Yesterday, I saw the news that the United States Anti-Doping Agency (USADA) released its 200 page report alleging that Lance Armstrong not only had doped, but had also masterminded a complex doping ring that included many of his teammates at US Postal Service and later Discovery Channel team.  You can read all 200 pages of it here... (I did last night, for hours..) http://www.scribd.com/fullscreen/109619079?access_key=key-1bqo5b4zjqqjnkz4izt5  Many former teammates, friends, and trainers are now testifying against him.

This story has affected me more than I thought.  For me cycling was a respite for a rough life at home.  It was also my main transportation throughout my teens and most of the time I was in college.  I have logged thousands of miles on my Raleigh and Giant bikes.  When my Giant road bike was stolen three years ago, I felt as I lost a body part.  Cycling is a sport that I have always followed, and have always been a huge fan of Lance Armstrong.  I distinctly remember vehemently defending him in 2003 against the allegations of cheating by my then French girlfriend Karine.  I was a big stubborn asshole about it.  I wanted so badly to believe in his inspiring story of conquering testicular cancer and then making a big come back.

A year earlier in 2002 I had a testicular cancer scare (and another in 2009, 2011) from a cyst that occasionally grows.  Being the information junkie that I am, in no time, I came across Lance Armstrong's book "Its not about the bike".  I loved it.  It chronicles his illness with testicular cancer and his subsequent comeback to cycling.  I liked his hard work ethic and kick some ass mentality.  I sought to emulate that in my academic and athletic life.  Needless to say he is a big hero to me.

My first love was cycling, I wanted to be a pro mountain bike racer at one point.  At another I had a dream of being a pro bike mechanic.  In college I joined the crew team, another sport requiring inhuman endurance.  Later in medical school I learned that I had an enlarged heart (hypertrophic cardiomyopathy for you medical nerds) likely as a result of my long term cycling and rowing in college.   Rowers and cyclists are known for having huge hearts and low heart rates (mine frequently sets off EKG machines as it beats below 60bpm at rest).  Lance Armstrong's heart is so efficient that he is around 34 bpm!

Since college I have always had high hematocrits, frequently over 50.  In fact if I were to compete in the Tour de France nowadays, I would be disqualified because my hematocrits are too high.  I have always ranged between 49 and 55.  I had 2 different doctors ask whether I had ever doped or taken EPO when I was in college (I have not).  Consequently, when rumors started to abound surrounding Lance Armstrong having abnormally high hematocrits, I assumed he was innocent and just had naturally high levels like me.

As it turns out, it seems that Lance Armstrong has likely been using performance enhancing drugs for a long time now.  Allegations include cortisone, testosterone, HGH, EPO, and blood doping.  His doctors have all been named and it seems that they had a carefully designed program to keep his hematocrits high while evading detection.  (I will spare everyone the technical details, but if you are interested, contact me, it is fascinating!)

It is with great sadness that I see my hero fall.  One of the greatest stories in sports seems likely a fraud.  When I look back at it, there was one thing that bothered me... In his book, he describes his tumors in detail...  A large one on his testicle, 13 in his lungs, abdomen, and 2 in his brain.  How the hell does a cyclist not notice that?  The second thing that bothered later (after Medical school) was whether he had been taking something that would have increased the growth and spread of his cancer such as testosterone or HGH.   Especially, for someone in tune with his body to have caught it at such a late stage.  Hormones and cancer go hand in hand, especially cancers of the reproductive tract. 

I feel like I knew all along that his story was improbable, yet we all wanted to believe him.  Such a great human feat!  I think it is just a matter of time now for everything to come out.  Until then, I am mourning the loss of my sports hero.

Race based admissions in higher education

The Supreme Court is getting ready to hear a case on affirmative action and in reading the story in the NY times this morning I could not help but be a little triggered.  http://www.nytimes.com/2012/10/09/us/supreme-court-to-hear-case-on-affirmative-action.html?src=recg  


Maybe it is because I am black or am I.  My multiracial mix often leads to mass confusion when trying to stereotype me or fit me into a box on a racial category.  My mother is East Indian and my father is African and Chinese.  They were born in Guyana (also confusing, not Ghana in Africa, but Guyana, North of Brazil next to Venezuela and Suriname (they are in South America for those of you who really suck at geography)) http://www.lonelyplanet.com/the-guianas/guyana  I was a boon to college admissions officers looking for diversity. (Actually I wasn't and was rejected by Boston College and University of Washington, and went to my third choice Seattle University)  Interestingly my dark skin is from my mother and my father is rather fair skinned.  So despite my 25% African blood, all the schools wanted me to choose the box "African American" when applying for financial aid and any other program tracking race.  This was back in the days when multi-racial was not a choice and you had to choose one box.  I typically chose Asian or East Indian.

In the end I went to two private schools Seattle University and then Bastyr University for Medical school.  Both are private and not diverse.  Fall of 1998, my freshman year, Initiative 200 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Initiative_200 passed in Washington State banning race based admissions.  As this topic was in the limelight, I felt many eyes watching me in the discussions that followed in the classrooms and halls.  In the end maybe it was a good thing, I felt tremendous pressure to not "get a free ride" and was determined to get top grades so no one would doubt that I belonged there.  I felt like everyone wondered whether I got into the school based on race. 

In 1999 underrepresented minority enrollment plummeted in Washington State.  In response, Jim Senegal and Jeff Brotman (cofounders of Costco) formed the Costco Scholarship Breakfast http://www.costcoscholarshipfund.org/  Many of you know I was the first student speaker and received a full scholarship at Seattle University for my final 2 years.  (I was also a keynote speaker at the 10th annual breakfast).

In between the lines of these stories and many other cases involving affirmative action is really economics.  Many people of color (including myself) cannot afford higher education and wonder whether the loan/debt system is worth the risk.  My reaction to signing my first loan papers at Seattle University was "Oh I remember this... Indentured Servitude, I get to go to school and in repayment I get to work for the banks for 10-30 years"  This is the story of my East Indian heritage in Guyana, only in the end we did not get the land we were promised.  Higher education for many of us has not proven to be the economic boon or the escape from a life of poverty for many of us.  Arguably, I am poorer now due to the debt.  When comparing my debt to other class mates and friends, I typically have 2-3 to 10 times more school debt (and way less credit card debt, but that is another blog).

I particularly think the case Regents of the University of California v Bakke  in 1978 is an interesting one http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regents_of_the_University_of_California_v._Bakke This is where a 33 yr old white male was not admitted to University of California at Davis medical school.  He sued and the case went to the Supreme Court, striking down the race quota system there in a 5-4 decision.  It is interesting to note at least with respect to Medical school, if admissions were based on merit alone (GPA and MCAT scores) then the bulk of the doctors would be Asian and East Indian with a handful of white students, as these groups traditionally have the highest GPA and MCAT scores.

I am not going to comment much on this case as I don't know what the reality of the situation is at the University of Texas.  However, I do think her contention that she has been harmed by job discrimination as a result of graduating from Louisiana State University is laughable...  She should see the kind of job discrimination I have experienced (or any other person of color).  She is working in Austin and in the field of her choice.

Clearly these cases if anything reflect the economic divide between minorities and majorities (my new word!), as well as the continued legacy of slavery, the ongoing destruction of native peoples.  I truely hope we do get to a place where race is no longer used or even thought about in admissions to anything, but until then we will all have to keep talking about these tough topics and heal.

Detoxification at Body Mind Retreats

I spent the last two weeks in my yearly sanctuary outside of Ithaca, NY at the Ithaca Zen Center.  www.bodymindretreats.com  I have gone here every September for the last five years to detox my mind and body.  This place has a prolific healing energy on multiple levels.   First of all it is in a spectacularly beautiful setting outside of Ithaca, NY.  In September there is a symphony of colors in the trees as they begin their yearly spectral display prior to shedding their foliage.  In the auditory scape, there is a cacophony of sounds from a healing bells concert, to the nearby howling of lovely coyotes.  Geese honk, crickets chirp, and if you are lucky you are serenaded by singers Travis Knapp http://travisknapp.yolasite.com/, Twilla Lannes, and Morley http://www.morleymusic.org/home/.  This place is a real treat for the sensual self.

When you arrive here you are greeted with “Welcome Home” and indeed it is for me.  It is here that I am able to shed all the labels and facades that I hide behind.  I am able to be me as I am.  The birth of solutions to problems big and small arise on this land, in the sauna, where you are stripped naked, and in the meditation hall where your mind is stripped naked.  What you are left with is your essence, and some of the finest members of humanity I have met... The staff that runs the place.

The center is run by David and Marcia Radin, two wonderfully spiritual beings.  David from a lineage of Zen Buddhism and Marcia from the Sufi Dervish tradition.  They have taught me unconditional love for others and most importantly for myself.  Together they built a wonderful retreat than helps enable one to detox the physical body and to detox the mind.

I have recovered from a separation from a great love there.  I have found great love there.  I have learned to sit in the unknowing of the outcome of love relationships there with love and grace.  I have made lifelong friends and true companions on this journey called life.  It is in this place that I am able to have my stone heart cracked open and express the emotions that are hidden from those in my everyday life.  I have healed from physical ailments there.  I have recovered from psychological problems.  I dropped my fear of water and swam freely for the first time there several years ago.  I have recovered from addiction there.  I recovered from a heartbreaking trip to Haiti there.  I have learned how to die there (thanks David) and I have learned to live there (thanks Marcia). 

I always leave there with tears and great reluctance, but am excited to return next September and find myself all over again.  For those in need of healing on multiple levels, check it out.  You may find a new outlook on life and a passion for coffee enemas!

Travels in Lakota country

First of all thank you to the creator for this divine life we all share. A big Wopila to my Lakota friends and family for their hospitality and generosity. I had the honor and pleasure of attending one of the many Sundances in the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota. In respect of the culture, I will not be posting any pictures or writings of my experiences at the Sundance. The Lakota people have a deep oral tradition and I will honor that by sharing my stories with you in person.

Many of you are probably wondering why I spend my vacation time hanging out on the rez... There is no simple answer to this, but here is my attempt...

In my exploration of medicines modern and ancient, I have become convinced that many of the solutions for today's problems lay embedded in the past. These solutions exist in the cultural diversity that humans have developed over our 100,000+ years of existence. Unfortunately this vast diversity is being rapidly replaced with modern consumer driven capitalism and all the gifts and problems that come with it.

Unfortunately many of the cultures carrying this technology are dying out as their languages, medicines and belief systems are no longer being spoken, practiced, or taught. Many might say "so what, humans no longer need those out dated ways". Ah but we do, for these cultures have developed ways to live in harmony with the Earth in a manner that is sustainable. Our culture is at a cross road, no matter what belief system you participate in, it is hard to ignore that the Earth has changed rapidly in a short amount of time.

For those relying on the notion that technology and human ingenuity will save us, it likely will not. Our technology requires vast resources from all over the planet (ironically I am typing this on an iPhone while flying on an airplane), and it is a flaw in our belief system that the resources on the planet are for human use only. Developing new technologies to continue our way of life while ignoring that our fates are all interwoven: plant, animal, and human will only speed our destruction. It is no coincidence that cancer rates are increasing as our culture behaves like a cancerous cell: growing out of control and utilizing all the resources on its path. Then we treat our cancer with more things that cause cancer.

Dying cultures contain many of the solutions needed for life and humans to thrive on the planet. We must rapidly preserve and protect them. We must dialog with these people. We must right the wrongs of the past (there are many... That could take a while...) in order to secure a future. We can start by sharing music, dance, and food together to foster trust and understanding.

We cannot wait for an election, we cannot wait for leaders, we must all begin to act on the information we have been given for some time now. What changes in life has your heart been calling out to you?

Life is beautiful, let's preserve and protect it not sell it and consume it. Every action sends a ripple through existence shaping the future. Every action has a thought behind it.. What are yours? Every thought that we choose to bring into existence by action has a belief behind it. Does your belief system enhance life or destroy it?

This blog has been heavily influenced by many writers and many of my experiences traveling. For more information check out Thom Hartmann's "The Last Hours of Ancient Sunlight". For more information on the history of the Lakota read "In the Spirit of Crazy Horse". A good read on the end of indigenous life in North America see Dee Brown's "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee". See also Wade Davis's TED talk on preserving the ethnosphere (what?).

Please join me in becoming part of the solutions needed for life to thrive on the planet.

The Case Against the Banks

If you have been at all awake in the last year, and have been watching the news, banks have been at the forefront of multiple scandals.  If you happen to be among the minority of people affected by the economic downturn and thus are not concerned, I would like to attempt to convince you that it does matter.  I have hoping that by the end of this blog you are convinced to drop that Bank of America, Chase, Wells Fargo, big national naughty bank from managing your money.

I used to bank with Bank of America.  I had a Gold account and it was great.  (Long story about how I got that)  A few years into that relationship, some middle manager noticed that I did not meet the requirements for said gold account ($10,000 min balance) and canceled that account and moved me to a more plebeian account worthy of my student life savings.  A few months later, my meager account was barraged with little stupid fees here and there.  Then I was watching some debt documentary, I think it was "In Debt We Trust" http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/in-debt-we-trust/ where I learned that MBNA/Bank of America was George Bushes biggest campaign contributor at over $900,000.  (Now with Citizen's United ruling, these number is probably pocket change but who knows since donating to Super Pacs shields you from having to disclose who is donating)  I promptly left and never looked back.  This was years before all the craziness began in the economy.

As the economy continued to melt away, more and more evidence is pointing to these banks bad behavior at the source of the economic downturn.  I will spare everyone the details, if you want to know more google it.  Then the Obama administration bailed out the banks with taxpayer money and no rules on how the banks use the TARP bailout funds.  So, they paid themselves record bonuses and continued to pillage the rest of us.

The best way to fight all this is to take your money out of these institutions and put them in places that are not destroying the economy with their business practices.  In November there was a Bank Transfer Day Movement that definately affected Bank of America and Chase.  This had a direct effect on their bottom line as their stock value plummeted.

These big banks are also frequently responsible for the bankrolling of big scale projects that have a destructive effect on the planet such as drilling oil, natural gas, nuclear power, ect.  If you don't like these things, then don't give your money to those banks (and minimize electrical use)

JP Morgan executive Jamie Dimon made news with his testimony of being unaware of a blotched derivitive trade loss by his bank somewhere between 2 and 9 billion (with a b) dollars.  http://dealbook.nytimes.com/2012/06/29/will-the-whale-swallow-jpmorgans-2nd-quarter-earnings/
What's a derivative?  It's very confusing... So confusing it seems that most bankers and economists don't understand them, and they are very unpredictable.  Here is a simple explanation: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EH_52gFFhXM

So how do these big banks do all this?  They do it with our deposits!  Not only that but they can leverage it at a 9 to 1 ratio which means for every $100 deposit they can loan $900.  During the last depression there was legislation enacted called the Glass-Stegall Act enacted to separate banking deposits from being used by banks to speculate on the stock market with those deposits.  (Good idea right, so if stock market tanks, it doesn't take our deposits with it!)  Thus separating commercial and investment banking.  Then in 1999 the Gramm-Leach-Bliley Act struck down sections in the Glass Stegall act that separated commercial from investment banking.  This was signed into law by President Clinton.  This now allowed banks to use our deposits to speculate on the stock market, yet still have the money protected by FDIC insurance, a nice deal!  With your $100 deposit they can speculate with $900 in global markets.  If they loose the money your deposit is still protected.  The problem with all this is that they are speculating with money that does not exist where the rest of us have to use money that does exist if we want to buy stocks, bonds, and other investment banking products.  As all this debt is created, then more money has to be released into the system, but more money in the system means money is worth less.  This is known as Inflation. 

The solution?  Since Congress seems unable or unwilling to properly regulate the banking and finance industry, then we will have to do it ourselves.  We can best do this by not banking with the banks that are causing all the trouble in their pursuit of profits by creating money that does not exist.  Please remove yourself from the following banks: Bank of America, Chase, Citibank/Citigroup, HBSC, Wells Fargo.  Without deposits there is no money to leverage and cause trouble with.  Please change your bank to a small local credit union.

Oh, and be forewarned; if you are out to dinner with me and you pull out a Chase card, I will comment on it and how unAmerican you are acting by giving money to economic terrorists that are causing all the economic troubles.

Special Tax Day Rant

So I am about 2 seconds away from either joining the Tea party or moving to Sweden (where taxes pay for education not war).  First, my accountant calculated my taxes last min... ie this afternoon.  He got my info on the 30th, so I don't quite get what the hold up was.  Then he proceeds to tell me that I have a gigantic tax bill.  Then he wants me to buy an IRA and drop several thousand dollars into it... Today.  Needless to say this is right in the middle of a full day of patients (2pm) and I don't have time to find someone to open a last min IRA.  I then was also notified that I would pay less taxes if I owned a house, a car, and claimed my child this year (this is not my year).  Yes, I pay more taxes because I don't have a car to deduct miles from!  Then, I get a $500 bill from them for their services.  I was pretty livid!  Between not claiming my child and not maximally contributing to my Roth IRA I will pay $9000 more in taxes than I would need to!  WTF! 

For some reason I was still a nice person as I very calmly (probably creepily calm) told him that I was dissatisfied with his services, not to mention his bill.  In my head it was something like "Why the #$%& are you telling me this hours before the %&*#ing thing needs to be filed???

Here is what I learned in this 2011 Tax season:
1.  I need to put away at least 30% of my income to pay taxes. (best paid in quarterly installments... who knew?)
2.  I need a new accountant.
3.  I need to open and max out an IRA
4.  I need to max out my Roth IRA
5.  I need more children. (both for the tax break and because I don't trust that social security will be around to take care of me in my old age!)

Why is the tax code so complicated?  So rich folks can have a bunch of loop holes to hide money in that do not apply to the rest of us slaves.  Between paying the IRS and the Banks that own my school loans, not much is left, yet it looks like I make plenty of money!

I feel like I got ripped off.  For all this schooling, I have no car, no home, no furniture other than a bed, and no future financial stability.  I am poorer now than ever (but have great credit)!  HA! The kicker is that I feel most terrible about paying the taxes as it is likely funding wars I do not believe in.  Yes, I have become a good Idahoan ranting about taxes and the power of the federal government!  Ron Paul for President!  Better yet, lets just get rid of the executive branch and save us all some money... What do they do anyway?

On a personal note, I have been learning alot about what pushes my buttons in my mind and it is predominantly money (thank you Zen meditation/David).  The flawed logic goes something like this:  I would like to be loved/have a life partner.  Men are providers.  I am a Man.  As a Man my worth is based on my ability to provide.  I am not making much money.  I am not a good provider.  I am not worthy of love.  I won't have a life partner.  All over a bunch of #$%*ing numbers on a piece of paper that don't really exist!  I have finally noticed that anytime I am not doing well financially or I perceive that I am not doing well I subconsciously sabotage the relationship I am in to make this flawed logic true.  Stay tuned while I attempt to heal, change the flawed logic that is making my love life so challenging.

Trials and Tribulations of Parenthood

There is something pre-programmed in kids where they can push buttons.  They can automatically work the newest technology and they seem to know exactly what to say/do to push your buttons.  I had a ballistic moment today when Peanut flat out refused to eat lunch today and then had a few choice words to throw gasoline on my fire.  ("I hate you")  We ended up eating lunch for about 3 hours today, loosing the better part of a gorgeous sunny day.  Talk about a battle of strong wills!  What happened to my little angel?  I think she is picking up bad habits in preschool that she sees the other kids doing.

It has been awhile since I have flat out lost my cool. I had a "limbic system meltdown".  That is what we call it, Peanut even calls it that!  (I got a budding neuroscientist!)  The limbic system is a set of brain structures that regulate emotions and memories.  It seems funny writing about it now, but was not the least bit funny in the moment.  Here's to a new stage of boundary testing, arguing (capricorn), and explaining things 100 times.

Then she pulls a Dr. Jeckel and Ms. Hyde on me and then starts appealing to my daddy ego.  "Your a good daddy"  "I like your hair"  Then she starts batting her long eyelashes... I felt so manipulated.  How can she have learned that already, she is three!  We hugged and talked things out until she understood and the rest of the day went much better.

Well, it's off to anger management class for me... aka meditation

The trials and tribulations of being young, black, and male

I have been avoiding reading about the Treyvon Martin killing.  Until today, I did not read any of the stories, click any links, ect.  For me it was too emotionally charged.  Today I read about the case and like most found it troubling.  However for me it went deeper.  This was a great fear of my mother that I would be shot for some reason.  She never liked me to go running in the evening, was always concerned about what I was wearing, never let me go hunting, ect.
It reminded me that how I look matters.  Being a mixed race dark skin male has made for some interesting events in life.  Here are some of the highlights...

Being consistently searched at TSA
Being detained at the Canadian Boarder for several hours (remember that one guys!)
People getting nervous with me in an elevator
A classmate in school had a dog that would go apeshit when it saw me because it was specifically trained to attack black males.  (first racist dog I met)  It had to be kept in a cage when I was around and would bark non-stop until I was gone.
Not experimenting with drugs in teens (like everyone else) as I was already being searched...
Being perceived as being overly sexual or treated like a sex toy.  (long social history feeding into this as well as the porn category "interracial", see also Emmitt Till case)
Swastikas carved into my desks in junior high by neo nazis
Caricatures of me with giant lips left in my desk and locker throughout school
Being told to go back to Iraq (wrong country dumbass...)
Having a patient refuse to see me as a student because of the color of my skin
Being refused service in multiple restaurants (very embarrassing...)

Ironically Treyvon was suspended from school when the shooting occurred due to trace amounts of marijuana in a bag.  Maybe his death has saved him from later doing time in prison on a mj charge once he became an adult.  Gotta love the prison industrial complex...  I can totally understand how he looked had led to this disaster as I have experienced what he has experienced. 

I have a kid now and have a vague idea of the absolute horror it must be to loose your child.  My heart goes out to his parents.  No one should have to outlive their child.  I am ashamed to say I am glad I have a daughter as I don't have the slightest clue how to teach a young racially mixed male how to navigate the complexities and prejudices of the world around him.  I am not sure how I made it this far myself...  I am not sure if I will make it...

Happy International Women's day Some thoughts on making the world a better place for women

Happy International Women's Day!  While not well celebrated in the U.S. it is a national holiday in many countries.  http://www.internationalwomensday.com/about.asp
Women have been making many changes in their lives over the past 100 years (ok, probably since the dawn of time) that have helped shape society as we know it today.  In celebrating this today, I would like to propose that we move to a more gender positive culture.  For both men and women there are many negative stereotypes and teachings that are holding us back from having a bliss filled coexistence together.

I once asked an indigenous healer why men and women have such a hard time getting along.  He laughed and said "they have different purposes... Women's purpose is to bring life into the world, and men's purpose it to bring death in the world.  Both are needed to prosper, as part of the death-life-death cycle, but both are fundamentally at odds with one another."  Profound!  Talk about "killing me softly with his song"...

It got me thinking... Men are blamed for everything that is going wrong in the world today.  Maybe justifiably so.  However, for every man out their raping and pillaging mother earth for material wealth, there is a woman (or women) backing him and enjoying the exploits.  I sometimes wonder if so much of this behavior occurs because at some level it does get the girls.
Maybe if women stopped having sex with the men pillaging the place, then maybe that model of success would die out.  (This of course is how women got the right to vote... stopped having sex with the men till they got it!)  After all 95% of male actions are directly or indirectly related to making sure they have some place in the sexing order... JK but you get the point.  The messages I received as a young man was that it was more important to get money and material things to insure my mating success than it was to do it in a way that did not destroy the planet we live on.  Consequently, we have people destroying the place to support their families, because that is the model of success we have been shown.

Speaking of raping and pillaging... The rape and assault of women must stop.  On Friday March 2 Democracy Now had a good interview with Eve Ensler, author of "The Vagina Monologues".  http://www.democracynow.org/2012/3/2/one_billion_rising_v_days_eve
In it she is calling for a day of action Feb 14, 2013 of a billion women world wide walking out of jobs, schools, ect in solidarity with women who have been raped or sexually assaulted.  I hope all 7 billion of us shows up, because it affects us all.  As  a physician, I am continually shocked at the sheer number of women that answer positively to this question on our intake form.  Our brief work in Haiti after the earthquake was probably over 90% of our female patients were sexually assaulted.  I fully agree with Eve Ensler's notion that the rape of the planet and the rape of women is one issue.
This of course gets me thinking...What has to happen to men to get them to rape?  I think it is more complex than they want power... I think something has to happen to them (and of course their dopamine pathways) to make this.  What has to happen so they don't see the joy and beauty in the feminine form and energy?  The nature vs nurture debate, I think that society makes rapist, that it is not inherent in our genetics or in maleness.  Initially I wanted to blame the media and pornography, but rape has been happening well before these came around, and it is unknown what effect this has had on rape rates as it is hard to get good statistics as it is a very under reported crime.  (Most of my patients raped or assaulted did not report it)

Check out Tony Porter's TED talk on "the man box" and his programs as one idea how how men may be socialized into assaulting women.  http://www.ted.com/talks/tony_porter_a_call_to_men.html
As someone with a young daughter, we need to change this type of socialization immediately.  Not just for Penelope's sake but for the sake of all women and men.


I guess a solution for me would be this: just like we have classes and programs teaching women how to avoid, prevent, and stop rape, we should also drop some money into researching why men rape and under what circumstances and also have classes for men and treatment well before they get to a point of acting out.  I have some research work to do... Stay tuned.  Please support Eve Ensler's programs as well as Tony Porter if these issues affect you in some way.  Unfortunately, it effects us all.  For more links on the topic of International Women's day (as well as other issues of individual and social change, see our facebook page "Upstartist" http://www.facebook.com/pages/Upstartist/198739706861199

The Case Against Orgasm?!! What?!!

Yes, even orgasm is not without peril!  So as it is turning out the notion that orgasm is safe and healthy may be a little less black and white and more in a grey area.  (like so much of sexuality!)  I am reading the book "Cupid's Poisoned Arrow" by Marnia Robinson.  It is convincing me that everything we are being told about sexuality is much different than reality.  Much of the argument is steeped in neurobiology that goes a little something like this:
Guy likes girl, girl likes guy.  Guy gets surge in dopamine and testosterone due to prospect of mating with novel mate.  Girl gets surge in dopamine and estrogen at guy's pursuit of her.  The bigger the pursuit, the bigger the dopamine build.  Tension heightens, they have vigorous sex with orgasms and ejaculation.  Guy's prolactin surges and he falls blissfully asleep.  Girl's testosterone surges, she would like more.  She cajoles him into more, he obliges.  Both experience drastic falls in dopamine 12 to 36 hours post sex.  Both become cranky, anxious, jittery.... basically they are going through withdrawal like any other addiction.  He becomes an insensitive asshole, she becomes a nagging bitch... Two weeks later dopamine receptors recover, they exhibit loving behaviors and do it all over again.  Sound familiar?

Unfortunately, real life is not as simple as this short synopsis of the book.  It is well referenced and makes a great case as to all the reasons our brains get hijacked when we begin having sex with someone.  Hence all the talking about it with girlfriends and siblings ala Sex in the City.  We need someone with their rational brain still functioning to give us feed back!  (yet we frequently ignore them until we hit rock bottom!)   According to one fMRI based study the male brain ejaculating looks no different than a heroin addict getting a hit. (apparently the study subjects had to hold their head very still and not move while their partner serviced them inside the MRI machine!  Lots of practice before attempting the imaging!)

Fortunately, the authors have some recommendations to avoid the roller coaster's dramatic ups and downs.  The technique they recommend is called Karreza (What?).  It is basically a sexual technique that involves slow lovemaking, caresses, cuddling, and avoidance of orgasm by both sexes.  This prevents the massive release of dopamine that eventually drives couples apart and in search of other mates.  In other words by not seeking satiation it is easier to stay together and avoid our neurobiological programing to spread our genes far and wide.

This concept is not really new and interspersed in the book are vignettes from other traditions such as taoism and tantra which also advocate for avoidance of orgasm except for when conception is desired.  Many comment that they feel even greater satisfaction with their relationships as it promotes bonding behaviors that stimulate oxytocin release rather than dopaminergic highs.

Pretty interesting huh?  Here is a link to the website http://www.reuniting.info/first_visit for those interested.  The book so far is excellent, stay tuned for more insights.  I am learning alot!

The Demise of Guys (part 2) aka The Penis Dialogs

Interestingly, the first part of this blog "The Demise of Guys" has beat out all the porn laden posts.  This may just mean I have more female readers, than males, not sure.  In an effort to please, here are some more thoughts on the topic.

Today I had an interesting movement forward in my inner development.   I have always been a little reactive with money, I will spare everyone all the history and details.  Let's just say when I don't have money my self esteem plummets.  I feel unworthy.  I will tend to sabotage any relationship I am in because I think that as a man I need to have money for someone to be attracted to me.  When the money goes away so too does my ability to think I have value in a relationship.

I have been working on looking at that inner voice, key as money comes and goes and in my profession there are periods of wealth and periods of drought.  It is during these periods of drought that anger creeps in.  "I am a successful doctor, I am not supposed to have these issues".  Well, surprise they are here for us all.  I am learning that money ebbs and flows and my value in a relationship does not have to ebb and flow in that tide.

So today I had a big, annoying financial surprise first thing in the morning.  In the past two months I have multiple smaller annoying financial surprises, so this one should have been the topper!  But alas, my mind was calm and blank!  I calmly called the appropriate parties and did what I could to resolve the situation, then I let it go!  Deep inside I knew that everything would work out. (It always does) Only this time I did not loose a ton of energy complaining and berating myself. (Oh to be a fly on the wall of my mind!)  I had pure action with no reactivity in my mind about the whole thing!  I think I may have finally decoupled my sexual attractiveness from the mythical number that says how much monetary value I own.

The irony of the whole situation is that I make good money, I have a rich life, and for the most part I am able to do what I want.  (And tend to do so whether the money exists or not!)  So how did it get so tied in with my ability to feel safe in a relationship?  The answer is probably pretty obvious, it was socially programmed in at a young age.

Ok, get to the Penis dialog part... The real reason you are reading this.  I have you by the dopamine receptors!  (See prior blogs if you don't know what I am talking about)

This situation got me thinking about guys and their demise.  I wonder how many guys associate their value with their net worth?  I suppose it is similar to girls basing their value in a relationship on their sexual attractiveness or breast size.  It is amazing to me how long that programming has lasted as I have not had a TV in years and like to think of myself as relatively sheltered from media and popular culture where those messages are blaring constantly. 

The feminist revolution va-jayjay monologues and all have been good for both men and women.  However, as social standards are shifting, I think a penis dialogue (thanks Dr. Brandies) is needed.  After all, what is the good of a feminist movement with no enlightened males to enjoy it with?  Ok, that was pretty hetero of me, but yes this affects my lovely lesbian friends as someone needs to make high quality sperm so you too may have babies.  Here are the topics I would suggest for the dialogue:
1.  It is a double standard to want economic equality for women while still expecting men to make more.
2.  Your sexual attractiveness is not coupled to your pocketbook or breast size.
3.  Zero tolerance for sexually abusive comments or actions no matter what she is wearing/doing.  To be enforced by both sexes.
4.  Role of media in perpetuating stereotypes of both sexes that are not desired.

Ultimately I think the uncoupling of the demise of guys is do give them a place at the discussion table.  What do you guys think?

In Defense of the 1%

Yes folks, after much consideration and analysis of the situation I have decided that I am wrong about the 1% and especially the 0.001% who own the large banking conglomerations.  First of all I would not be a doctor today without them after all it was their large banking conglomerates (in this case Bank of America) that were able to loan me the extra money I needed to complete both undergrad and medical school.  After all it would be ridiculous to expect that the government or anyone else give or loan me the money to go to school.  That would be socialism.  No hand outs needed here as it is my place as someone from the underclass to support the banking elite.  In fact I am now part of the 0.00001% that have been allowed to really rack up a massive debt making me one of the poorest people I know.  I completely take the blame for this, for when my soul was entering my body I did not choose a wealthy set of parents which would have facilitated easier financing of medical school and thus helping me become a better contributor to society.

After much sleepless nights, I am ashamed to say I am a terrible contributor to society.  I am much more of a job killer than Romney!  As I survey the possessions in my house I realize that I don't even have a TV.  I worry about this at night, that some night federal agents will break down the door to my apartment and arrest me for such an un-American activity of not owning a TV.  To mitigate this internal terror, I watch the Stephen Colbert show on Comedy central's website and avoid getting my news from Al-Jazeera despite Hillary Clinton's assertation that it is "real news". (I think it is a set up!)  http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/03/03/hillary-clinton-calls-al-_n_830890.html  And I definitely avoid the program "Democracy Now" with Amy Goodman!  It should have been called "Commie-Socialism Now" with Amy Goodman.  However, my biggest beef (nice American word) with these two media outlets is that they do not enrich my favorite media moguls or their banking buddies.  Thank God Comcast has put its foot down and refuses to give Al-Jazeera a channel in the U.S.  And what about Rupert Murdock, Ted Turner, Sumner Redstone, who have much to loose with these media outlets that don't make revenue with advertisements?

Without Advertising how will you strip away my self worth and sexuality and then sell it back to me?  I won't know which pill to cajole my doctor to give me to make me happier.  I won't know which penis-pill will resurrect me after years of internet porn.  I won't know which car to buy when I have my midlife crisis.  Advertising helps us all as it gives us reasons to purchase all kinds of things that we don't really need and thus creates massive amounts of jobs.  For the Chinese.  But that's ok since it is still the big banking conglomerates and stock market folk that benefit.

Shit!  A car.  I don't have a car.  I did have one, but it doesn't count.  I bought it used with cash and so I never benefited the banks or auto industry with my purchase.  Besides it was one of those fuel efficient Japanese models that rarely breaks down.  Talk about a job killer!  I think the best car to buy would be a Chevy Volt.  American made, sort of enviro, but still burns gas, is expensive (so I can take out a loan from my fav bank), and uses electricity so I can support my local coal plant, nuclear plant, and hydroelectric dam.  It is an equal opportunity employer for the entire energy sector!  I will definitely not be taking the large tax break from purchasing this car because I believe in a free market with no government intervention or hand outs.

Supporting the banking elite has been a long tradition in my family and a tradition that I intend to keep.  You see, four generations ago we were slaves in Barbados growing sugar to make the bankers and investors in England rich.  Man did they love the sugar in their tea!  Loved it so much they went to great length to get it!  Finance a big boat, sail to another continent, buy a bunch of people, put them back on boat, sail to another continent half way around the world, make them grow sugar cane, then haul it back.  Like it was cocaine!  Thank God we have Federal Express now!  Alas, I am glad this all happened because I loved watching Prince Williams wedding.  How I fantasized that it was me standing across from Princess Kate!  How else would the royal family make enough money to throw such a lavish wedding for Prince William generations later without working were it not for the broken backs of my family and fellow plantation family?  (The wedding which, by the way, generated tremendous TV ratings and advertisement revenue!)

The bankers deserve our undying support.  For who else could dream up such a system where you can loan money out in a 9 to 1 ratio and make the people pay you back with real money.  Where 9 of  the 10 dollars you created out of thin air!  Brilliant!  I would like to contact the Nobel committee and nominate the Bilderbergs, Rothschilds, and Chases for the 2012 Nobel Prize in Economics!  (They will likely be disappointed in the return as the prize is only worth $1.46 million and they will have to split it 3 ways.  Maybe the Nobel Committee can make an exception in this case and give them each $1.46 million)

I don't approve of welfare, the government should have given my mother a loan.  If she could not pay it back after going to nursing school with 4 kids, then her kids should have to pay it back.  I am happy to say that the 1/4 of the welfare I owe will likely get paid in its entirety with interest this 2011 tax season.  Thus avenging my share of the welfare debt my family owes this country!  Now for my slacker sisters, they will have to continue working their 2-3 jobs to get by.  But that is what they get for not being "job creators".

My biggest defense of the 1% is that they can't help it.  The rest of us get our dopamine fix from mundane things like eating, sex, lottery tickets, and trying something new.  They get their dopamine fix off Power.  Now how are you supposed to wean someone off of Power?  Clearly it is not money giving them the dopamine hit as they have all of it and can buy anything they want.  This is a truely dangerous situation.  If you can't get life motivating dopamine from money and buying new things, than all you are left with is Power.  I feel bad for them.  After the withdrawal kicks in from buying yet another Bentley, and there is nothing left to buy, and no more money to consolidate, no more corporations to take over.... then all there is left is to consolidate Power.  Furthermore, their is no treatment center for them.  We have every other kind of addiction center, but no Power Anonymous! 

The worst thing about being a 1%er.... You have problems money can't solve!  The least the government should do is to help these large corporate owners mitigate some of these problems.  Like pesky protesters.  So you see, only Corporations should get welfare form the government as it is them who are creating all our jobs through their illness!  Without these jobs we would have not tax base.  And their illness has no treatment!  No one has ever done a research study for them to see how to mitigate the hole in the soul that allows one to do just about anything to get Power. 

So until we come up with a viable treatment plan for the 1%, we should all just shut up, shop, and pay our taxes.  For we are blessed with problems that money would solve.

Love on the Brain or the Brain in Love

Happy Valentines day special.  Those of us in partnerships are likely out at some overcrowded restaurant right now getting lousy service.  Some of you are getting DOWN.   The rest of us are wishing we were getting down.  Me, I am writing this blog and researching the neuroscience of love.

Anthropologist Helen Fisher placed people in love in a functional MRI and found the same pattern as when one is having a rush from cocaine.  She claims that three brain systems are working with respect to love.  We are designed to look for variety (hence the overwhelming popularity of porn (see prior post)), but that romantic love serves the purpose of "focusing our mating energy on just one individual at a time".  Attachment serves the purpose of "allowing us to tolerate that person long enough to raise a child as a team".  I would summarize this in 3 words  eye candy, obsession, and submission.  Ok, that was 4 words.  Just kidding... the three concepts are lust, romantic love and attachment.
http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html

I was glad to hear her dispel  the myth that men cheat more than women... "who do you think they are cheating with... do the math!"  The divorce rate in America is actually declining according to Fisher, however, it may be due to younger couples are less likely to get married and when they do they are older and more mature in their choices.  She thinks this is an opportune time to make good marriage.  Best case is when you lust, have romantic love, and attachment to the same person.

She then ends with a commentary on antidepressants.  Pervasive in our society, and used long term.  If you raise serotonin you suppress dopamine.  This kills romantic love, orgasm, and the ability to form stable attachments as they are all mediated by the dopaminergic systems.  I definitely agree with her on this point based on my observations with my patients.  I treat many mood/mind disorders in my clinic and have found this to be true.  They feel Ok, but they don't feel that deep urge to merge with another.

Love hurts,  a good song and a common song theme.  Love and pain pathways go together.  When we fall out of love dopamine levels plummet and you go through withdrawal.  Just being dumped, you end up loving them harder according to these functional MRI studies,  you crave them even more!   You may even take more risks to get their love at this point.  Try something novel and risky to get them.  At least you will get some dopamine from this.  Sound familiar?  Love is something we need and it can become an addiction.  Fisher thinks that love is the most addictive substance on earth.  I agree with her and can cite personal experience!  I will decline to tell the stories here, but those of you who know me well have experienced the over the top creativity elicited from my dopamine highs!  Never a boring moment with me around...

All these insights may point to why abused women may stay with their abuser, they may be addicted to them.  I have not found a study on this yet, but would love to test this hypothesis.  Unfortunately the most current example in my mind is the late Whitney Houston.  Why would such a talented, wealthy, and successful woman stay with Bobby Brown?  Love, and likely dopamine.  I cried today after listening to her song "I will always love you".  It was not the words, it was the energy, that song shifts energy.  Or maybe it completely captured my emotional state.  Transcendent.  Criticise her all you want, that album went 4X platinum, she touched more people than any of her critics.  Released my stagnant emotions better than any acupuncture treatment.  That is the power of music.  I would love to watch my brain on music.  Music is medicine, and likely could be an addiction... ever play a song over and over... just like rats pressing the lever for cocaine... "and IIIIII willllll allllllways love yyooooooooooouuuuuu"  I get a dopamine hit off that one!  I am also suspecting that all these singers get dopamine dis regulation from channeling those songs from the collective unconscious.  They get hooked on all kinds of stuff trying to re-balence their brain chemistry.  Check out Steven Tyler's (how is he still alive?  Angels according to him) biography for an inner look at dopamine gone wild.  All that coke, women, amphetamines, you name it... The biggest high for him?  Writing songs and singing them in front of thousands of people.  Makes me wonder about the dopamine plummet as they loose the spotlight.  And all the pharmaceutical crap they are put on to treat it.

For those reading these blogs, clearly I am obsessed with dopamine right now.  The reason is simple.  Patients coming in with dopaminergic problems are hard to treat and I see alot of them.  There is no reductionist way to treat this, no magic pill to shift this balance.  Educating patients is costly due to time involved.  I wonder how the dopaminergic system evolved and why is it so hard to treat?  I suspect it is because this little neurotransmitter may be the link between the mind and spirit.  When we don't treat it well the results can be, well,  heartbreaking.  RIP Whitney.  Comments and treatment ideas are much appreciated.

Getting your oxytocin fix?

I just watched a fascinating TED talk that got my little brain going... It was by Paul Zak a neuroeconomist.  A what?   A neuroeconomist, he studies the molecules involved with making certain decisions, especially those relating to money, morality, and other human interactions.  http://www.ted.com/talks/paul_zak_trust_morality_and_oxytocin.html

Oxytocin is most famously known for stimulating uterine contractions during both orgasm and childbirth.  (The drug Pitocin is used to induce labor and slow post partum hemorrhage by this mechanism)  Studies are now being done looking at its role in pair bonding, trust, decision making, maternal behaviors, and psychopathy.  Oxytocin appears to encourage trust by inhibiting the amygdala, the fear and strong emotion processing center of the brain.  Empathy as it turns out is very related to oxytocin secretion. 

I have been interested in oxytocin since my many readings on pheromones.  Many of you probably remember all my papers and rants about pheromones in med school.  My interest in pheromones started in high school, there was a specific girl who's smell drove me wild.  I could smell her when she entered the room!  After a session of massaging each other's feet, I felt absolutely bonded to her.  I had eyes for no other after that, for years!  In retrospect my little juvenile brain was reacting to the potent combination of her pheromones and my release of oxytocin from her touch! (first time I was touched by a girl for a prolonged amount of time)

It was interesting to hear in Paul Zak's talk that using social media spikes oxytocin.  Connecting to other people in any way sexual or not seems to drive up oxytocin levels.  People who release more oxytocin are happier in studies.  Those 5% in the population who do not tend to be psychopaths.  Which begs the question as to whether oxytocin may be used to rehabilitate criminals.

There is also some evidence that one of the long term consequences of those of us who have been sexually abused have dysregulation in the oxytocin system.   They tend to not like being touched and have trouble trusting those touching them.  Oxytocin based treatments, may be a key to recovery.

Autistic children are now being treated with oxytocin and are exhibiting more socially appropriate behavior post treatment.

Oxytocin may also ameliorate some symptoms of addiction and is being investigated for treatment.  Interestingly, MDMA "Ecstasy" gets its affects from its interaction with the oxytocin system.

I of course have to put a line in here about oxytocin and porn.  Yes, men can become "bonded" to their porn.  Many porn sites are moving to the model with private chat rooms, etc so it feels more like a relationship, more likely to release oxytocin and create a bond in addition to the massive hit of dopamine that one gets.  Here is what guys who gave up porn report... http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201202/guys-who-gave-porn-sex-and-romance

I also wonder if some of the antisocial behavior elicited by the 1% could be ameliorated by treatment with oxytocin?  Can someone take one for the team and stimulate Dick Cheney's nipples?

Top ways to get oxytosin
1. Hugs, Paul Zac recommends 8 per day
2. Nipple stimulation (and yes it works for males as well, I uh, looked it up)
3. Massage (unfortunately not for the masseuse)
4. Philanthropy- give something away
5. Fall in love (not lust, that is dopamine driven, real love)
6. Any healthy touch, holding hands, ect.
7. Orgasm with a partner (it is theorized that this may be why orgasm by one's self is not quite satisfying)